I'm sure many non-teaching English majors experience this from time to time. But every-time, it reminds me of when I was little and would lose my, "baby," teeth. Without fail, after every tooth fell out, just a few days later I assured myself and my bloody gums that the experience was nothing to ruminate over. It was really not too bad. Besides, we got a quarter. But the next tooth's departure always hurt even worse than the last...
Tonight, while working at Dillard's Daycare Inc., I was helping two women find, "wool coats with a hood, that have a zipper," (which I hear is ultimately impossible unless you shop at Eddie Bauer... whose fashion brains have apparently been eaten by modern eclectic zombies... or something) and one of them asked me which high school I went to. Cringe.
Now, my boyfriend Patrick says that this is not as, "uncomplimentary as you might think it is," but I still take offense, especially when I am wearing a power suit, glasses—and sapphires.
I replied that I was not under 18, go to bed at 2am and had recently obtained a degree from Rocky Mountain College.
"What was your major?" She chimed.
"English... Creative-Writing." I said, picking rouge feathers from my new goose-down coat.
She then tossed out the excruciating, "oh, so why aren't you teaching?"
My jaw tightened and the down feathers ruffled.
"Well, I don't like kids—or teaching, for that matter."
Thanks... thank YOU for basically saying that I am a sub-par writer, and all I can do with my degree in Creative-Writing is teach creative-writing.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
When They Can't Fire You
I'll admit these activities might be passive-aggressive, but sometimes that can be fun. Just like the passive-aggressive way the manager gets her jollies by giving your Sunday off to the atheist who could care less about days off, simply because she doesn't like you.
(BTW, the atheist doesn't care for the manager either).
1) The most recent idea I had occurred this morning when I discovered all of my formal tops were in the laundry pillowcase (yes, I don't have a laundry basket).
I figured, hey, they won't give me a day off, so I can't do laundry, why not wear a freaking t-shirt to work!
Eyeliner pencil in my mouth, cocked like a pipe, I went to the dresser drawer, rummaged around and found a MN Twins T-shirt and and my, "Hi" shirt which sports big pink letters along the bust spelling,"Hi." My brother got this for me for college graduation, he said it would, "help you make friends in the real world." He's so thoughtful.
So, instead of a nice knit top beneath my business skirt-suit, I'm sporting a very friendly cotton t-shirt. It's customer service oriented... right? Right.
2) Bring your dog, or weed. Both work for, "medicinal purposes," and are probably more acceptable in Montana than anywhere else.
3) Abuse breaks as much as possible. Start smoking if you don't already. Shred the time you have to spend with customers and especially managers.
Or even go to the dollar store and buy some candy cigarettes and stand outside, "smoking," with the real smoking crowd. This especially works in winter where you can already see your breath in the air. Plus, you get a candy treat!
3) Abuse candy. Most department stores will write you up for having candy on the floor or for having a life in general.
Buy the noisiest, chewy candy you can find. Chew obnoxiously. Constantly.
Bring those candy cigarettes inside. You might not be able to legally smoke inside (lame), but you'll look so bad ass with that candy in your mouth.
They can't write you up if they still need you and can't fire you. If you put in your two weeks notice, you can be taken off of the schedule, but they can't necessarily fire you. Besides, re-scheduling is a pain in the ass, or it seems that way since it takes, "so long," to make a schedule for four people.
4) When damaging out defective items, use medical terms to describe what's wrong. I.E. the stuffed Gund bear that recites, "The Night Before Christmas," (yes the whole damn thing), but can no longer talk due to a defect, say that he has Laryngitis. (Yes I did this. No one has noticed yet). Tape some cough drops to his body as well as a get well card.
Defective talking Gund bears also work for pen holders. Put that annoying fake flower pen in his mouth and tell your manager that, "all he ever wanted to do was tango." Include this in the get well card.
5) Drink on your lunch break. You're not doing surgery later, so why not have some gin and tonics, maybe an Manhattan on your break. In most industries, it is perfectly legal to have two drinks during lunch.
6) Start parking in your managers favorite spot. Smile a lot.
7) When other retailers come head-hunting for your manager, give large hints that your manager is a bad idea. Even if you want to get rid of them.
8) Whenever your manager gives you a project, goose-step as much as possible while doing it. Mumble in german.
9) Quote Spock, Picard and Kirk.
"Please go put the freight away."
"Engage!"
"Why is all this stuff on the cash-wrap?"
"I am endeavoring, ma'am, to construct a mnemonic circuit using stone knives and bearskins..."
10) Bring show-and-tell items to those morning, "credit app," meetings. You already get tardies, write-ups for candy and are talked to like a special needs 3rd grader, why not play along?
"So, this is my bubble-gum universe diorama. These are the gumbots, they serve the supreme despot, Bubbloch."
It helps if Bubbleoch's statue constructed in the Gumistan courtyard has a striking resemblance to your manger.
Have fun.
(BTW, the atheist doesn't care for the manager either).
1) The most recent idea I had occurred this morning when I discovered all of my formal tops were in the laundry pillowcase (yes, I don't have a laundry basket).
I figured, hey, they won't give me a day off, so I can't do laundry, why not wear a freaking t-shirt to work!
Eyeliner pencil in my mouth, cocked like a pipe, I went to the dresser drawer, rummaged around and found a MN Twins T-shirt and and my, "Hi" shirt which sports big pink letters along the bust spelling,"Hi." My brother got this for me for college graduation, he said it would, "help you make friends in the real world." He's so thoughtful.
So, instead of a nice knit top beneath my business skirt-suit, I'm sporting a very friendly cotton t-shirt. It's customer service oriented... right? Right.
2) Bring your dog, or weed. Both work for, "medicinal purposes," and are probably more acceptable in Montana than anywhere else.
3) Abuse breaks as much as possible. Start smoking if you don't already. Shred the time you have to spend with customers and especially managers.
Or even go to the dollar store and buy some candy cigarettes and stand outside, "smoking," with the real smoking crowd. This especially works in winter where you can already see your breath in the air. Plus, you get a candy treat!
3) Abuse candy. Most department stores will write you up for having candy on the floor or for having a life in general.
Buy the noisiest, chewy candy you can find. Chew obnoxiously. Constantly.
Bring those candy cigarettes inside. You might not be able to legally smoke inside (lame), but you'll look so bad ass with that candy in your mouth.
They can't write you up if they still need you and can't fire you. If you put in your two weeks notice, you can be taken off of the schedule, but they can't necessarily fire you. Besides, re-scheduling is a pain in the ass, or it seems that way since it takes, "so long," to make a schedule for four people.
4) When damaging out defective items, use medical terms to describe what's wrong. I.E. the stuffed Gund bear that recites, "The Night Before Christmas," (yes the whole damn thing), but can no longer talk due to a defect, say that he has Laryngitis. (Yes I did this. No one has noticed yet). Tape some cough drops to his body as well as a get well card.
Defective talking Gund bears also work for pen holders. Put that annoying fake flower pen in his mouth and tell your manager that, "all he ever wanted to do was tango." Include this in the get well card.
5) Drink on your lunch break. You're not doing surgery later, so why not have some gin and tonics, maybe an Manhattan on your break. In most industries, it is perfectly legal to have two drinks during lunch.
6) Start parking in your managers favorite spot. Smile a lot.
7) When other retailers come head-hunting for your manager, give large hints that your manager is a bad idea. Even if you want to get rid of them.
8) Whenever your manager gives you a project, goose-step as much as possible while doing it. Mumble in german.
9) Quote Spock, Picard and Kirk.
"Please go put the freight away."
"Engage!"
"Why is all this stuff on the cash-wrap?"
"I am endeavoring, ma'am, to construct a mnemonic circuit using stone knives and bearskins..."
10) Bring show-and-tell items to those morning, "credit app," meetings. You already get tardies, write-ups for candy and are talked to like a special needs 3rd grader, why not play along?
"So, this is my bubble-gum universe diorama. These are the gumbots, they serve the supreme despot, Bubbloch."
It helps if Bubbleoch's statue constructed in the Gumistan courtyard has a striking resemblance to your manger.
Have fun.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Nixon Said it Too
Dillard’s Daycare Inc.
24th St. West
Billings, MT 59102
To whom it may concern:
Effective two weeks from today, January 17th 2011, I hereby resign my position as sales associate. I would like to take this opportunity to thank lower-management for treating me like a special-needs toddler.
I would also like to thank the company for not training me, yet expecting me to know every in and out of retail sales and when I fail to get something right, encouraging my co-workers to give me a, “hard time.”
Thanks for setting impossible goals for one person to achieve as well as ignoring my requests for the Sabbath as my day off. Also, thank you for not giving me an inconsistent day off something like every 8 to 9 days.
It has been a great experience working here, and my therapist will be billing you within the month.
Have a nice day,
Naomi J. Myrick
P.S. Celexa and Valium are not cheap.
24th St. West
Billings, MT 59102
To whom it may concern:
Effective two weeks from today, January 17th 2011, I hereby resign my position as sales associate. I would like to take this opportunity to thank lower-management for treating me like a special-needs toddler.
I would also like to thank the company for not training me, yet expecting me to know every in and out of retail sales and when I fail to get something right, encouraging my co-workers to give me a, “hard time.”
Thanks for setting impossible goals for one person to achieve as well as ignoring my requests for the Sabbath as my day off. Also, thank you for not giving me an inconsistent day off something like every 8 to 9 days.
It has been a great experience working here, and my therapist will be billing you within the month.
Have a nice day,
Naomi J. Myrick
P.S. Celexa and Valium are not cheap.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Fighting for 'Family'?
I recently read an article by Fox News writer, Todd Stames, titled, "'Mother,' 'Father' Changing to 'Parent One,' 'Parent Two' on Passport Applications/"
It is about how the government is changing the U.S. passport applications from using the terms, "mother," and, "father," to, "parent one," and, "parent two," in order to be more "precise" in describing a personal background as well as accept all types of "families."
The State Department website had this to contribute.
This sickens me.
Thankfully, in the article, Family Research Council president Tony Perkins is quoted in a statement to Fox News Radio:
These are excellent points. Yet, I can envision activists sniffling over their ruffled feathers after reading what Perkins had to say.
Why are the feelings of one group valued over the feelings of another?
Is it because they're the minority, no doubt with unfathomable hardships for a Conservative Christian to understand, or because we don't want to offend anyone by posing a dissimilar viewpoint?
But, wouldn't changing the passport terminology be insensitive to Tony Perkins and like-minded individuals? As well as our founding fathers. Oh, forgive me, I meant to say our founding Parent Two's. Just doesn't have the same ring to it.
In my opinion, this whole "parent one and two" shenanigan is just anoter passive-aggressive "soft" ploy to disagree with the Moral driven conservatives. And unfortunately, it works because, due to Political Correctness' protective wing, reaping a rebuttal is damn near impossible.
I think the change (had enough change yet, America?) is a mistake, and not one soon mended. Whoever wins the 2013 election, especially if it is B.O., would be far to fearful of the political uprising that reverting "Mother" and "Father" would bring.
How much is this going to cost us, financially as well as ideologically? Will I be wishing my mother a, "Happy Parent One Day," come May?
It is about how the government is changing the U.S. passport applications from using the terms, "mother," and, "father," to, "parent one," and, "parent two," in order to be more "precise" in describing a personal background as well as accept all types of "families."
The State Department website had this to contribute.
“These improvements are being made to provide a gender neutral description of a child’s parents and in recognition of different types of families.”
This sickens me.
Thankfully, in the article, Family Research Council president Tony Perkins is quoted in a statement to Fox News Radio:
“Only in the topsy-turvy world of left-wing political correctness could it be considered an ‘improvement’ for a birth-related document to provide less information about the circumstances of that birth,”
“This is clearly designed to advance the causes of same-sex ‘marriage’ and homosexual parenting without statutory authority, and violates the spirit if not the letter of the Defense of Marriage Act.”
These are excellent points. Yet, I can envision activists sniffling over their ruffled feathers after reading what Perkins had to say.
Why are the feelings of one group valued over the feelings of another?
Is it because they're the minority, no doubt with unfathomable hardships for a Conservative Christian to understand, or because we don't want to offend anyone by posing a dissimilar viewpoint?
But, wouldn't changing the passport terminology be insensitive to Tony Perkins and like-minded individuals? As well as our founding fathers. Oh, forgive me, I meant to say our founding Parent Two's. Just doesn't have the same ring to it.
In my opinion, this whole "parent one and two" shenanigan is just anoter passive-aggressive "soft" ploy to disagree with the Moral driven conservatives. And unfortunately, it works because, due to Political Correctness' protective wing, reaping a rebuttal is damn near impossible.
I think the change (had enough change yet, America?) is a mistake, and not one soon mended. Whoever wins the 2013 election, especially if it is B.O., would be far to fearful of the political uprising that reverting "Mother" and "Father" would bring.
How much is this going to cost us, financially as well as ideologically? Will I be wishing my mother a, "Happy Parent One Day," come May?
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Hall Monitor
In 9th grade, I had a control-freak English teacher, Mrs. Gohla. She wouldn't even let anyone use the potty, unless you cried, like my friend Anna did. 85 min. classes are excruciatingly long when your bladder is stretching.
Other students referred to her as, "The Gohla-Monster." Like Gila monster, I guess. While I was a good student, I was definitely not an ass-kisser. However, I dealt with the Gohla regime by following the rules, or, not getting caught breaking them.
I graduated high school—in the top of my class—over six years ago. I also graduated pre-school without too many incidents and never maimed or killed a baby-sitter.
Today at work, a high end clothing department store, my floor manager said, and I quote,"I'm going home for the day. 45 more minutes of scanning, and then work on signing. And, no standing around or talking. I'm going to have someone come check to see you're working."
As well as after introducing friend or boyfriend to the manager she says, "I'm the manager." Just had to get that out there, didn't you?
Now. Most pof my co-workers and myself are actually OLDER than the manager, but even if we weren't, I really don't think that's anyway to talk to other adults.
Again, I survived babysitters, high school and, oh yeah, college. I think I can handle putting clothes away, giving myself breaks, and carrying on conversations. I wonder if she realizes how ridiculous she sounded? Probably not.
I've been postulating about what would bring someone to act in such a Nazi, "I'm watching you! Eyes and ears everywhere!" sort of mentality.
It's simple: she never got to be hall monitor. No. Really. The control-freakery in people like this starts early, the first chance of power was passed to someone else. In the control-freak's mind, someone inferior. She has an Iago complex. Seeing the rest of us as potential Cassios.
I understand that said person has had a rough personal life, and I surmise that she has lost all sense of control. But taking out anger from personal issues on employees is not only unethical, but also unhealthy. I'm not so much annoyed as I just feel bad for the girl.
Maybe I should bring her a special badge tomorrow?
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