In my years as a college student, I have encountered countless academic snobs; specifically, as an English Major, the Literary Snobs, “this has 6 different meanings, and you sure as hell better reference all of them in your paper or I will give you a C… and Whitman is NOT a sex poet, well not completely… “ as well as the Grammar Snobs, who are elitist even when it comes to poetry. They lob comments from, “your comma usage is appalling,” to, “your comma use is non-existent,” to, “I disagree with your Jihad on commas.”
The Math and Science snobs are a little more sufferable, for they only fix me with sardonic glares and ooze, “I’m smarter than you,” with their bloodshot eyes. The Athletic Snobs are unequivocally different than the aforementioned factions, for their snobbery is a strange reversal on the traditional term, “snob.”
These brassy specimens simply shun anyone who is well dressed, and or does not play some collegiate sport—and if they are male, they shun the other males on campus for not being man whores. Oddly, Athletic Snobs are more prone to appear at smaller schools with mediocre athletic programs.
There is a breed of snob, however, more horrible and—fathoms—leagues—more snobby than Academics or Athletes. I discovered this new strain in my studies out West, where, though hundreds of miles away, the Rockies seem to tower and swell on the horizon, and even the wind seems to respect their wildness and wiliness.
And just who, or should I say, what is this snob? Why, it is The Nature Snob, who is usually an Environmental Science Major, or a former Environmental Science Major, who changed to Business, because it proved more lucrative—giving a whole new meaning to the phrase, “go green.”
Whatever their collegiate focus, though, the Nature Snob usually grew up in the backwoods, or near Yellowstone National Park, but essentially was raised in the woods, and despite this, still understands that North Face is an acceptable brand of outerwear. This is probably because, in high school, the Nature Snob worked part-time at Cabella’s or Sportsman Warehouse and has an acute knowledge of every single catalogue item.
All of this seems well and good; I mean it’s charming isn’t it? Growing up on the side of a mountain, re-enacting The Sound of Music without a green screen, it’s kind of endearing, right? WRONG. You grew up in nature, big deal, whoop-dee-do, you don’t have to be a snob about it.
The Type One Nature Snob (N1) remains incredibly sweet and pure until, that is, they emerge from the confines of the wilderness and get lost in the much dissimilar collegiate jungle of orgasms and booze. I guess, psychologically speaking, I can understand why their snobbery is clung to in vain like mashed potatoes in an F-4 twister.
The rarer Type Two Nature Snob (N2) was usually raised in suburbia, nowhere near the Rockies, but despite that, at a young age tasted the sweet elixir of wilderness adventure, whether in Boy Scouts or Youth Group or whatever it was, they became hooked. Once Nature was on the palate, they sought every single opportunity to indulge and “rough it,” and this led them to attempt to live with a foot in both worlds.
At least Academic & Athletic Snobs can, with some authority, say that no one else can perform in their field of study as well as they can, for Cognitive Intelligence and even Bodily-Kinesthetic: intelligence are measurable to a degree. But The Nature Snob is bereft of ethos and usually logos, too.
Their snobbery surfaces in the mind, you see, the Nature Snob, doesn’t think, but knows that only the Nature Snob can successfully navigate both worlds—the epitome of Elitism.. Hell, some of em’ even claim they’d rather live in the woods like Tarzan. And some should live in the woods, given their sculpted physiques. I digress. Combine N1 with N2, who will get along very well, and you have your campus a mighty faction of snobs.
Interacting with them is like being trapped in
West Side Story. Due to too many ropes course classes, they have a hive mentality. This gang-like animalistic behavior is above all else, extremely irritating. Nature Snobs are also usually Pinko Commies and if not, then they probably hunt, so watch out they have guns, lots and lost of unregistered guns.
Perhaps it is my own fault for not going on any school sponsored outdoor rec. activities, but, my reasoning for this was because I knew I’d kill someone. Still, because of my isolation from the Nature Sobs, I have been labeled as a snob, myself. Oh yes, I don’t look outdoorsy, so I could not possibly be outdoorsy. “You just don’t seem like you could make it on a hike, you don’t seem like the nature type. You're a city girl.” Thanks. Thank you very much for being prejudice and judgmental.
I’ll have you know, I CAN hack it in the woods, true, I’m best near water, but I grew up in Minnesota, spending half my time in the North Woods. Just cause’ I don’t brag about it… I mean, seriously, you judge me because I look put together?? You should really join the Olympic long-jump team if you can leap that far to conclusions.
And furthermore, I could so out-hike your ass—and probably in heels, too. It’s called natural athleticism, and I have oodles of it. I enjoy nature, damnit, just not when nature is inside and no, that doesn’t make me prissy; it makes me civilized.
