When They Can't Fire You

I'll admit these activities might be passive-aggressive, but sometimes that can be fun. Just like the passive-aggressive way the manager gets her jollies by giving your Sunday off to the atheist who could care less about days off, simply because she doesn't like you.

(BTW, the atheist doesn't care for the manager either).

1) The most recent idea I had occurred this morning when I discovered all of my formal tops were in the laundry pillowcase (yes, I don't have a laundry basket).

I figured, hey, they won't give me a day off, so I can't do laundry, why not wear a freaking t-shirt to work!

Eyeliner pencil in my mouth, cocked like a pipe, I went to the dresser drawer, rummaged around and found a MN Twins T-shirt and and my, "Hi" shirt which sports big pink letters along the bust spelling,"Hi." My brother got this for me for college graduation, he said it would, "help you make friends in the real world." He's so thoughtful.

So, instead of a nice knit top beneath my business skirt-suit, I'm sporting a very friendly cotton t-shirt. It's customer service oriented... right? Right.

2) Bring your dog, or weed. Both work for, "medicinal purposes," and are probably more acceptable in Montana than anywhere else.

3) Abuse breaks as much as possible. Start smoking if you don't already. Shred the time you have to spend with customers and especially managers.

Or even go to the dollar store and buy some candy cigarettes and stand outside, "smoking," with the real smoking crowd. This especially works in winter where you can already see your breath in the air. Plus, you get a candy treat!

3) Abuse candy. Most department stores will write you up for having candy on the floor or for having a life in general.

Buy the noisiest, chewy candy you can find. Chew obnoxiously. Constantly.

Bring those candy cigarettes inside. You might not be able to legally smoke inside (lame), but you'll look so bad ass with that candy in your mouth.

They can't write you up if they still need you and can't fire you. If you put in your two weeks notice, you can be taken off of the schedule, but they can't necessarily fire you. Besides, re-scheduling is a pain in the ass, or it seems that way since it takes, "so long," to make a schedule for four people.

4) When damaging out defective items, use medical terms to describe what's wrong. I.E. the stuffed Gund bear that recites, "The Night Before Christmas," (yes the whole damn thing), but can no longer talk due to a defect, say that he has Laryngitis. (Yes I did this. No one has noticed yet). Tape some cough drops to his body as well as a get well card.

Defective talking Gund bears also work for pen holders. Put that annoying fake flower pen in his mouth and tell your manager that, "all he ever wanted to do was tango." Include this in the get well card.

5) Drink on your lunch break. You're not doing surgery later, so why not have some gin and tonics, maybe an Manhattan on your break. In most industries, it is perfectly legal to have two drinks during lunch.

6) Start parking in your managers favorite spot. Smile a lot.

7) When other retailers come head-hunting for your manager, give large hints that your manager is a bad idea. Even if you want to get rid of them.

8) Whenever your manager gives you a project, goose-step as much as possible while doing it. Mumble in german.

9) Quote Spock, Picard and Kirk.

"Please go put the freight away."

"Engage!"

"Why is all this stuff on the cash-wrap?"

"I am endeavoring, ma'am, to construct a mnemonic circuit using stone knives and bearskins..."

10) Bring show-and-tell items to those morning, "credit app," meetings. You already get tardies, write-ups for candy and are talked to like a special needs 3rd grader, why not play along?

"So, this is my bubble-gum universe diorama. These are the gumbots, they serve the supreme despot, Bubbloch."

It helps if Bubbleoch's statue constructed in the Gumistan courtyard has a striking resemblance to your manger.

Have fun.