Wednesday, July 11, 2012
PSA to My Male Peers
If ONE more guy tells me that the best song in the world is, "Like My Dog," I'm going to bitch slap him and take his man card. Here's why.
If you really want me to love you like your dog does (we'll debate whether or not sentience exists in animals later), then fine. That's just peachy with me. I never liked brushing my own hair anyways. Oh, I'll love you like your dog does, if you love ME like you love your dog.
This means you feed me everyday—preferably twice a day. You can go ahead and buy me a necklace and take care of all my medical expenses, trim my nails and clean up my shit. Oh, and don't forget about our long walks together and cuddling every night as well as regaling all of your buddies with the cute things I do. Can you say bath time? Remember to get behind my ears. And always kiss me good night.
In exchange for this treatment, I will most certainly let you do whatever the hell you want. Deal? And they say I'm a bitch... doesn't this sound like the perfect relationship?
No. It doesn't. If this is the way you think, male peers of mine, then don't cussing have relationships. Commitment takes balls—balls that ya'll dangle from the back of your virility-shattering-big-ass-red-truck. That's not where they should be, by the way.
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