I Don't Feel Bad That You're Dumb, I Feel Judgmental

Retail-hell beckons a Cornucopia (festive, right?) of dire size situations, coupons that work on less than 16% of our inventory (and subsequent rants, cuss words and storm-offs) and last but not least, stupidity. I and I do mean stupidity, as in dumbness, inanity, idiocy, as in that light bulb never turned on in the first place and the hamster’s wheel is egg-shaped. Am I mean? Yes. Am I accurate, even more so yes.

I’ll begin with some clueless customers, “here’s my coupon does it work with these?” She said as she slung 6 slightly different onesies onto the counter and waved a coupon in my face.

“No…” I began.

“NOTHING works with these coupons! Why even give them out!” She pontificated and with much accuracy, the coupons do not work on a whole lot in our store, but that’s not my fault, nor is it my fault that most customers neglect to read the back of the coupon detailing all of the exemptions and instead prefer the rush of anger/surprise when I tell them the coupon will not work… aaaand I do this for nine hours a day.

“Well, this coupon isn’t for our store…” I said as politely as I could, slightly relieved that I wasn't dealing with yet another neglectful store customer....

“It’s not? Hey ma, what store're we at?”

“Do you still want your items?”

“No! Not without the coupon!” They stormed off to JC Penney’s, where the coupon had come from…

I am SO judging you right now. You drove all the way up here from Wyoming and in those 2-3 hours, neglected to read the entire coupon—specifically which store it belonged to. You’re an idiot. You don’t deserve the coupon. In fact, I want the coupon back so I can give it to a third grader, because at least they still maintain the ability to follow directions!

Another situation I frequently encounter is the Wrong Size-Coup, “what do you mean this doesn’t come in a 48 inch waist?!?” I merely shake my head at you. It’s difficult to refrain from jeering that the FDA banned 6X clothing due to the rampant obesity in the US, if only it were true.

I’ve gotten over working in the plus-sized section, even if the nastier customer specimens manifest there. As one co-worker once whispered to me, “they take their anger out on us because they’re too fat to do anything about it. They have to channel that anger somewhere…” Spot on!

There are also the self-important folks that insist on grabbing my attention while I’m clearly ringing up a transaction with several more waiting patiently in line, “Can I ask you a quick question? What price is this? Where is the bathroom? Have you seen my lost credit card??”

No. I don’t know. Follow the freaking signs. Call customer service.

Trust me, Seemingly Urgent Question Holder, you’re no more important to me than the lady in line with three screaming kids and a handful of coupons I already know won’t work on sale priced items. Get your cuss in cussing line or find an associate that isn’t waist deep in business!

Some customers—on the selling floor—randomly hand me items and ask, “is this on sale? I mean it says it’s this price, but is it really?”

Funny, as much time as I spend here, I have not yet installed a price check device into my wrist nor am I Lt. Commander Data, furthermore, not three feet behind you is the Customer Price Check module. Helpless idiots. All of you!

The Nature Snob 2.0

"Do you know how to use a shovel, Naomi? Said my guy friend as we prepared to plant our vegetable garden.

“Have you ever even gone hiking before?” Said my long-term boyfriend.

Some of my readers may remember a post from a while ago, titled, The Nature Snob. It can be found here.

For those who neither wish to read the entire post nor enjoy my amazing humor, I will summarize, The Nature Snob. The post concerns the snobbiest of snobs: the Nature Snob. The Nature Snob shuns anyone who either doesn't like hiking/camping etc. or doesn't look as if they could like OR, more importantly are capable of hiking/camping etc.

My latest experience with a Nature Snob occurred last night with my boyfriend of a year and a half. I had just walked out on a graphically violent movie he had chosen for movie night. Chosen, knowing full well I am sensitive to that sort of thing. He then called me a, "wimp."

I simply replied, “please don’t say that I am a wimp when you know it’s not true. I am not a wimp. It takes a brave person to stand up and say they are not OK and leave; whereas, a coward would have suffered in silence.” He did not like that.

After he finished his movie, and complained about my sensitivity to violence and how I am missing out on some good movies (whatever is meant by good I am sure I can find a better good), he brought up another activity that we seemingly don't have in common: hiking. He said that because I don't look outdoorsy, I couldn't possibly be outdoorsy.

I’ve encountered this before from people, specifically my 11^th grade Lacrosse teammate who said, “you don’t look athletic, so you can’t be.” But it has never come from my long –time boyfriend.

If you ask me, it seems as if he doesn't want me to be outdoorsy. Why do I feel like this? I feel like this because he has never invited me to go camping or hiking up until a few days ago and the lackluster motivation behind this invitation was, "Because I saw something really beautiful up in the mountains and wanted you to see it."

This is insulting for many reasons. First of all, it took seeing something, "so beautiful," for him to even INVITE me. Second of all, this assumes that I have never been hiking in the mountains or seen anything beautiful while hiking in the mountains. This is not true.

"Well, you don't like to get dirty." He said, condescendingly.

"Because I have excellent hygiene and bathe everyday, means I don't like to get dirty? That makes sense,” I said sarcastically, “I mean, I only rode horses for 14 years... in Minnesota... including the summertime... in an outdoor arena... not to mention cleaned up horse poo... you don't think I got a little mussed??"

Silence.

"And further more, why would I want to go hiking or camping with someone who has waited almost the whole summer to even invite me?" I replied.

"You just don't look like you could go hiking. I mean, have you ever even been hiking?"

He seriously asked this.

"Let's see.... Yellowstone, Montana, Idaho, Oregon, Wisconsin, North Dakota, South Dakota, Minnesota and Scotland. That good for you?" I said dryly.

Even the people closest to you can get you wrong and at that moment you realize that it's not even worth it to try and prove yourself.

"I can't believe this is what you really think of me. And you know what? Yeah, I might be prissy and over-dressed, I might be a city-kid, but one thing I am not is a snob. That is what you are." I said.

I think men are afraid of the, "whole package," because it wouldn't give them any reason to nit-pick or be self-destructive in relationships.

P.S. Yes I DO know how to use a shovel...

Why Try

It is disturbing to me that a female Republican, gasp, God-fearing candidate strikes more fear in people than an obvious Socialist who is currently ruining the county. Read the comments on the Michelle's Migraine articles. Plethoras of entirely fearful liberals with nothing original to say, but only, "she is a headache," and variations thereof. They are angry people that don't offer their why or what they disagree with, just the fact that a beautiful and intelligent lady, who holds Christian values, happens to be running for president. Like venom they spit, "she will ruin the country!" The country is already in ruins. People need stop hating on the good and wholesome—they're the backbone of this nation.

Furthermore, I'd like to note the unequivocal hypocrisy of the seemingly, "diverse," liberals who cannot diversify their slams on Michelle Bachmann. They should at least attempt to be original with the insults, it would be slightly less difficult to respect witty insulters. I digress.

Is it merely that we as humans have lost the plot or the desire to do good for the purpose of doing good and infusing the fight for justice, goodness and truth into society OR is it that that takes too much work and too much rational thinking, and more importantly, it takes too much courage to believe in something? To paraphrase C.S. Lewis, If you don't believe in something, you're ready to believe in anything. Now THAT is frightening.

Personally, I think (and feel) that the reason a lot of leftward-thinking, "open-minded" people revolt to anyone, be it politician or not, mentioning the G-word is derived from fear. Fear of believing, fear of caring and fear of being cared for. I gander that these are the same people who cannot accept compliments or are, "dry sponges" as my friend calls them. Maybe the issue is with intimacy; the fact that someone sees something in you that you don't thus leaving one with the uncomfortable stab of vulnerability.

And I do not want to limit the Lost Plotter Syndrome, or Dry Sponge Virus—tis' viral because negativity spreads faster than positivity—to Liberals. O contrare. Yesterday, I met a very conservative Wyoming lawyer and his wife and they overflowed with negativity heeding me not to go to law school, a dream I have had for years.

Dream killing, poison spouting people who have lost their purpose. I'm sure at one point going into law was because of the internal need to help people, but when I brought this up I was told, and might I add rather misogynistcally so, that, "if you want to help people, be a nurse." They should trademark that advice and include it on all the welcome signs in Wyoming. It sums up the mind-frame very neatly.

"I'm squeamish and I don't like hospitals. I want to help people in a larger way, and pursue Justice." I replied.

His wife, we'll call her Crystal-crabby-pants, had spent our what should've been 20 minute appointment, complaining about her life and how, "the other book in the area is better and here's why and why do I have to pay so much money for advertising..." and not to be tootless or hornless, "my son is sheriff and I know every other attorney in Wyoming. This guy failed the bar twice but he makes millions..."

Two and a half hours later, the mini-Pomeranian, Teddy, was still licking my toes (not that unpleasant, mind you) when Crystal-crabby-pants began laughing at me as I inched towards the door, "Justice.?? Law is never about justice. No one ever get's justice. If you become a lawyer, everyone will hate you for something or other." She made a good point; Law has lost the path to Justice in the fog of ambiguity and over-regulation.

However, when I went INFJ on her and said that, "life is about fighting for things worth fighting for, even if people hate me, if I can do good in the world, and infuse humanity with goodness and purpose, my job will be satisfying," She gave me a perplexed look, as if I had grown a dragon tail while trying to ride a tricycle, blindfolded, in zero-gravity. To me, this look sent a very powerful and clear message of, "why try?"

Why try, indeed. This is the message I get when I see all of the negative comments about something as trite as Michelle's Migraines. I think these people are subconsciously mad at her FOR trying. Trying to do good. Being and doing good has become laughable in our society. Well, I'm not laughing nor will I grow apathetic—Instead, I will try.

World Ends at 6:30, Looting Party at 6:45!

"Here's your End of The World Burger, Joe." Said the waitress at my favorite little pub.

So I thought, but seriously, Apocalypse tomorrow? OR... ultimate student loan forgiveness! If I survive impending doom, I can tell you one thing, I will be PISSED OFF.

The World Ends. BOOM. SHAKE. Now what? No order, only chaos. And free stuff! What better way to purge my carhtasis then to pointlessly demolish things and pillage??

Maybe I should have bought that Lady Smith & Wesson that I saw at a clients' Pawn Shop... Oh, well. Either way, I am filling up my Bimmer with gas tonight.

Cheers!

STRAW NEUTRALITY

So, in kindergarten, I would bring a straw to school to drink my chocolate milk. One day, the teacher said I couldn't bring my straw anymore unless I brought one for everyone in the class.
I was upset by that...

How difficult is it to ask mom for a straw in the morning?!? Well, same sort of thing going on here, except with flags... If you want a flag, any flag, then so be it. Go get one. Being "neutral" it destroying our country.... by being neutral, you really seek control—of everything.

Cyrano De-Up-sidedown Cake

This weekends episode of Desperate Housewives...

Progression I Believe In

When the Office Command Center is at the hotel, in your room sprawled across a dinky faux wood desk with a lamp from 1986, you know you're a business, man.

After experiencing the generosity of small-town America, I am even more compelled to care about small businesses and I also have an un-satiated desire to help them move into modern digital advertising. Also, grilled-cheese and some soup would be good.

That being said, it's like this: if small business refuses to digitally advertise and—gasp—have a website, these small, hard-working towns with shrivel up into dusty raisins of non-commerce. I see so many God Bless America signs and Glen Beck bumper stickers, I find myself wanting to ask someone; do these small businesses see themselves as the backbone of America, and if so, do they want the backbone of America to shrivel up and crumble under the weight of big businesses and the use of evil websites and technology?

Frankly speaking, the answer would probably be a resounding NO, followed by a 21 shotgun salute and Elk jerky tasting.

It's difficult down here. Business are cutting expenses wherever they can, and unfortunately advertising is the first to go. I believe this is a mistake as Henry Ford once said, "cutting down on advertising so save money is like stoping a clock to save time."

The world will still advance as time does, and the decent hard-working folks will be literally left in the dust.